2020

The rain falls. I hear it, dimly sense the pitter-patter precipitation on my body. Slowly, steadily, my body gets colder, and I start to shiver.

I wonder how much more I’ll lose.

Sacrifice.

Living is sacrifice.

Living, breathing, eating, being, it’s all sacrifice. Giving up one thing to continue surviving. Giving up a happiness, or an ideal, or a dream, all in the pursuit of one more day.

The feeling of metal, the sensation of cold steel.

I had a chance to kill myself.

I had a chance to die, and I didn’t take it.

I could have driven off a cliff, could have put the barrel to my temple and pulled the trigger, I could have drowned in broad daylight. I could have died. I could have killed myself. I didn’t.

It’s not out of some misguided sense of stability. The body is maddeningly resistant to self-inflicted injuries, after all.

I’m so tired.

I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired. I wish it would all just end, honestly, but I keep living, and I don’t know, but I’m starting to feel deja vu happen every time I find myself sitting next to a therapist, or waking up under the temporary warmth of bed covers. The same, boring, unskippable tutorial cutscene, that song you heard played over and over again in store aisles and car radios.

It’s all the same.

It’s all bullshit.

The past year I’d done a lot of soul searching, made a lot of concessions, tried really hard, and I just feel so tired now. Exhausted. The medication, the medication that’s supposed to be making me feel energetic, that’s supposed to be helping this drowsiness, only serves to exhaust me instead. I feel wiser, and I feel tired.

Sense. Sensation. Feeling. Taste. Smell. What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it that makes it feel so distant? So far away from where I am?

What am I going to do now? What am I going to do with me? What do I want to do? Where am I going to go?

I never wanted to depend on other people because I knew –

I knew they weren’t dependable.

So, just learn to depend on myself, and make myself into the most dependable person I know. That way, if I’m let down, it’d be my fault.

But I’ve always been let down, and I’ve always let myself down.

Escapism.

Fear.

Anger.

Hatred.

Sadness.

Loneliness.

It’s suffocating.

It’s painful to live on Earth.

Why do I exist? I ask not to be answered about my existence, but to be answered for all of the pain and hurt I’ve endured.

Why?

Why?

Why?

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Graduation / May – 3 Years Later

You know it’s been three years since I’ve come to California?

Holy shit dude, you made it really far. You know, I’ve had some of the most harrowing experiences here. I clashed and fought with so many people. My friends, my family, and even significant others. And I’ve grown so, so much over these last few years. I can barely remember what it was like to be me.

Time has turned all the way around. I’ve made it through the night, worked through the disappointment I had of not having a relationship work out. Stopped beating myself mentally for anything, really. It comes and it goes, but it’s never as intense as it used to be. And just a few days ago, one of my creative pieces was published. Things are looking up.

Even with all the quietness inside my chest, I feel a little bit of pride in what I’ve done. I don’t know if I worked hard, but I did work to make it here. I used to write to… offload all the depression I felt, deep inside of me. All of the self-hatred and the anger that I held towards my family and my friends. I wanted to spell disgust on my body in crimson red.

I have a lot of work to do. Even now I have a lot of work to do. I’ve always been scared of never feeling fulfilled by anything – of having to constantly seek validation to prove to myself that I wasn’t worthless. But recently, just today, actually, I’ve kind of gotten a little bit of hope.

– If people can genuinely like me for me as a friend

– if I can put in the effort and get something out

– if I can innovate and excavate and think and create

all this suffering, all the hardship, all of my loneliness and sadness

meant something. It meant something, it meant something it meant something and for once I’m kind of feeling happy.

Who am I?

Heartbreak

Spun sonnets from sorrow,
like a long-worn pair of boots, I’ve been walking.
Holes in each sole, her eyes,
& I, with walls talking
crossed hearts, crass words.

Tomorrow I will learn to breathe yet again,
in eight-or-nine-lettered pauses,
I, *breathe*,
I love you,
you were everything I wanted.

But you
didn’t
love me.

Left me recovering in a three step process,
the nights we spent together, I processed,
and progressed to remember the lies you left on my skin.

“I… I think I love you, Jon.”
You only loved him in the bedroom.
And if we’d had room to talk and think,
I think you would have known.

And I? Still, I would have loved you.