written for http://the-boxtroll.tumblr.com/ on 12/22/2015
Pitter-patter loneliness
to the rhythm of nothing in particular,
longing to look outside of the window.
Then we regret eyesight
as I sigh at the glance of
outside.
a funny term, that one: ‘outside’.
—— hah,
why is it that when we’re the most free,
we feel so boxed in?
as if the walls of our world decided
that they no longer wanted to be transparent
so one moment you’re preoccupied
with daily matters
and the next you remember that
you’re still not content.
this prison has become opaque and murky,
like the pit of your stomach
when you start scrolling down
(and you chide yourself for doing so)
you browse through social media sites
ad nauseam and just a bit over because
you start to feel a little more sicker
than when you realized that no one
paid attention to you at all.
—— yes,
“if the world was like this to begin with,
I didn’t have a chance at all”,
we think
“the past is my past,
my past alone is mine,
and anything that has passed my past
will be confined”.
and maybe that’s true;
maybe we’re only the sum
of what we were grown up to be,
after all, don’t we try to emulate best
what we were taught and admired and loved
and enjoyed so much when we were
naught but children?
and the moon rises to the sound of silence,
pitter-patter loneliness unheard but still felt;
“pathetic,”
you smile ruefully,
“pathetic.”
“Pathetic to think that when I would get older,
things would just magically change.
“Pathetic to think that things would be different if I kept trying.
“Pathetic to think that I could be
someone else.
“I’ll always be—“
“I’ll always be…”
(take a breath)
I’ll always be that face in the mirror that
I’m not sure I want to look at.
I’ve wasted my life away, or rather,
if I had another go, I would do things
so much better.
But you’re wrong.
We humans, we are always learning.
Yes – I’ve made mistakes.
Yes, the past can be difficult
to escape from, or let go.
But if anything, humans are tenacious.
We survive.
We encounter,
we adapt,
we overcome.
We are defined not by the mistakes we make,
but rather how we resolve them.
Every day is another opportunity,
and yes, it may take time, but if you try
you will chip away at the
incidents you have cemented as ‘sin’
in your mind and I know.
I know it’s the kind of rough that
makes you want to tear your hair out
and scream out of frustration.
The disappointment, the loneliness;
submerged in doubts as you solitarily float
in your swimming pool of tears.
But you’ve made it this far.
This is not a new chapter of your life.
This is who you are,
the very essence and soul and being of what makes
you, ‘you.’
No one’s done everything the way you have,
and trust me when I say that people can see
the black, clinging tar that
you’re waist-deep in.
Take a page from time.
Today, you will allow yourself
to feel pain. Perhaps, even tomorrow,
you will feel the same. And when the sound of rain finally stops, go out into the world
and let the sun bathe you.
Let yourself really feel the heights of your emotions, even if you know that happiness does not last forever.
Life is not suffering –
everyone in this world faces inequality,
hatred, sadness, depression, self-disgust, disappointment. These are things that are
just an inherent part of the world.
See…
Life is making the best out of your happy days,
striving to make them better,
striving to make someone else’s day better – because honestly?
It’s easier to sit through the storm
if you’re sharing an umbrella.