Graduation / May – 3 Years Later

You know it’s been three years since I’ve come to California?

Holy shit dude, you made it really far. You know, I’ve had some of the most harrowing experiences here. I clashed and fought with so many people. My friends, my family, and even significant others. And I’ve grown so, so much over these last few years. I can barely remember what it was like to be me.

Time has turned all the way around. I’ve made it through the night, worked through the disappointment I had of not having a relationship work out. Stopped beating myself mentally for anything, really. It comes and it goes, but it’s never as intense as it used to be. And just a few days ago, one of my creative pieces was published. Things are looking up.

Even with all the quietness inside my chest, I feel a little bit of pride in what I’ve done. I don’t know if I worked hard, but I did work to make it here. I used to write to… offload all the depression I felt, deep inside of me. All of the self-hatred and the anger that I held towards my family and my friends. I wanted to spell disgust on my body in crimson red.

I have a lot of work to do. Even now I have a lot of work to do. I’ve always been scared of never feeling fulfilled by anything – of having to constantly seek validation to prove to myself that I wasn’t worthless. But recently, just today, actually, I’ve kind of gotten a little bit of hope.

– If people can genuinely like me for me as a friend

– if I can put in the effort and get something out

– if I can innovate and excavate and think and create

all this suffering, all the hardship, all of my loneliness and sadness

meant something. It meant something, it meant something it meant something and for once I’m kind of feeling happy.

Who am I?

Fidelity

I never loved nobody fully… always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly, I got lost in the sounds.

I hear in my mind, all these voices,
I hear in my mind, all of these words,
I hear in my mind, all this mu-u-u-sic,
and it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.

And it breaks my hea-a-a-ah-a-a-ah-a-a-a-a-ah-art.
Well, it breaks my hea-a-a-ah-a-a-ah-a-a-a-a-ah-art.

Suppose I never ever met you,
suppose we never fell in love,
suppose I never ever let you,
kiss me so sweet and so soft…
Suppose I never ever saw you,
suppose you never ever called,
suppose I kept on singing love songs,
just to break my own fall…

Just to break my fa-a-a-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-all.
Just to break my fa-a-a-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-all.
Just to break my fa-a-a-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-all.

Break my fall, break my fall…

All my friends say, that, “of course”, it’s,
gonna get bet-uh, gonna get bettuh,
better, better, better, better,
better, better, better…

I never loved nobody fully… always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly, I got lost in the sounds.

I hear in my mind, all these voices,
I hear in my mind, all of these words,
I hear in my mind, all this mu-u-u-sic,
and it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.

I hear in my mind, all these voices,
I hear in my mind, all of these words,
I hear in my mind, all this mu-u-u-sic,
and it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.

And it breaks my hea-a-a-ah-a-a-ah-a-a-a-a-ah-art.
Well, it breaks my hea-ah-ah-ah-art.

Well, it breaks my hea-a-a-ah-a-a-ah-a-a-a-a-ah-art.
Well, it breaks my heart, breaks my heart,
breaks my heart, it breaks my heart…

And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart…

Heartbreak

Spun sonnets from sorrow,
like a long-worn pair of boots, I’ve been walking.
Holes in each sole, her eyes,
& I, with walls talking
crossed hearts, crass words.

Tomorrow I will learn to breathe yet again,
in eight-or-nine-lettered pauses,
I, *breathe*,
I love you,
you were everything I wanted.

But you
didn’t
love me.

Left me recovering in a three step process,
the nights we spent together, I processed,
and progressed to remember the lies you left on my skin.

“I… I think I love you, Jon.”
You only loved him in the bedroom.
And if we’d had room to talk and think,
I think you would have known.

And I? Still, I would have loved you.